Dear Friends,
For the last decade, I’ve been working hard to heal my trauma from domestic childhood abuse and growing up as the child of an alcoholic. But it’s only in recent years that I’ve also come to realize that my father’s gambling habits affected me in ways that I wasn’t aware of.
Gambling and alcoholism tend to go hand in hand, it’s not unusual for an alcoholic to also have a gambling problem. Even from a young age, I was able to understand that my mom worked very hard, and my father would come home and demand money, only to lose it gambling. Though we lived modestly, I was unaware that it was largely due to help from my grandparents. I was always worried that we would lose everything. My mother did her best to reassure me, but her reassurances indirectly taught me not to trust my instincts, which later led me to make many costly mistakes.
I also grew up with a lack of stability, always feeling that life could be cruel and unfair without reason. This sense of hopelessness, of being a victim of my father’s mistakes, made me feel very small, worthless and weak. I felt ashamed of my father comparing him to my friends’ hard working parents. My thoughts, my fears, and sometimes even my little academic achievements were ignored and daily life depended on my father’s moods. I felt trapped and suffocated unable to escape from the stress, anxiety and fear.
If you grew up in a similar household, here are some ways that growing up as the child of a gambler might have affected you.
Emotional Instability and Anxiety
Children of gamblers often experience high levels of anxiety and emotional instability. The unpredictable financial situation and the constant fear of losing everything create a stressful environment, leading to chronic anxiety and difficulty managing emotions later in life. According to a study by the National Council on Problem Gambling, children of gamblers are more likely to experience anxiety disorders.
Financial Insecurity
Financial instability is a common issue in households with a gambling parent. My mother had to hide money, and when she refused to give it to my father, it would result in physical violence. That in itself was deeply traumatic. Yet, even as a child I understood what was going on and I was often worried that he would take it all or we wouldn’t have enough. This fear of financial instability can persist into adulthood, making it difficult to feel secure even when finances are stable.
Trust Issues
Growing up in a household where promises are frequently broken, money goes missing or forcibly taken can lead to significant trust issues. As adults, children of gamblers might find it hard to trust others, fearing betrayal or disappointment. This can deeply affect personal and professional relationships, making it hard to form deep connections.
Risk of Addictive Behaviors
Children of gamblers are at a higher risk of developing addictive behaviors themselves. The National Center for Responsible Gaming found that children of gamblers are more likely to engage in gambling or other addictive behaviors. This cycle of addiction can at times continue through generations if not addressed.
Emotional Neglect and Low Self-Worth
The focus on the gambler’s needs often means that children’s emotional needs are neglected. This can lead to feelings of low self-worth and inadequacy. When a child’s achievements and feelings are ignored, they may grow up believing that they don’t matter. This can result in a lack of confidence and difficulty asserting themselves in various aspects of life.
Coping Mechanisms
Surviving such an environment often means developing coping mechanisms that are not always healthy. Children of gamblers might become overly responsible, taking on adult roles at a young age. Alternatively, they might detach emotionally or isolate as a way to protect themselves from the constant stress and disappointment.
Unhealthy Relationship with Money
One thing that many adult children of gamblers might not realize is that their view of money is often distorted by their early experiences. They may hoard money excessively because they fear financial instability. Even when they have enough, they may feel a sense of scarcity. They may spend impulsively or avoid financial planning because deep down, they believe money is unreliable and will disappear anyway. They might even feel guilty about financial success because they associate money with stress, loss, or conflict.
Resources for Healing
If you grew up like me, in a household overshadowed by gambling and instability, I have learned that the impact of these experiences is significant, but it doesn’t have to define our future. It helped me to acknowledge my feelings and I’m learning to release my unhealthy emotions around money. Therapy and support groups provide a safe space to process experiences and develop healthier coping strategies. Organizations like Gam-Anon offer support to those affected by a loved one’s gambling. Here are some books that may help.
The Money Nerve: Navigating the Emotions of Money by Bob Wheeler writes about how childhood financial trauma shapes adult money habits and offers strategies to break unhealthy cycles.
Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet G. Woititz, while it is written for children of alcoholics, it also resonates deeply with my experience of having gambler parent, as the emotional effects are often similar.
The Recovery Workbook for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families by Tian Dayton is a practical workbook with exercises to help process childhood experiences and develop healthier relationships with money, emotions, and self-worth.
Mind Over Money: Overcoming the Money Disorders That Threaten Our Financial Health by Brad Klontz and Ted Klontz write about how subconscious beliefs about money, often formed in childhood, can sabotage financial stability and success.
It was never any of our faults, and sometimes life is just unfair. But surviving all of that is a sure sign of our strength and resilience. If we had the strength to overcome it, we most definitely have the strength to heal and thrive.
Even if these truths feel distant or hard to accept right now, you don’t have to rush. You don’t have to be fully healed to begin. Simply noticing, gently, that you are safe now, and that you have the right to create a safer life, is a step. There is no timeline. There is only tenderness and steady care, one moment at a time.
When you’re ready, you might begin with gentle words like these:
I release the patterns of the past.
I am safe and secure.
I am developing a healthy and responsible relationship with money.
I am worthy of financial success and security.
It is safe to welcome abundance, stability and prosperity into my life.